Just some thoughts...

I am not sure why tonight I am finding myself here writing a note...but here I am. I have had a lot on my mind lately...and I continue to have many things on my mind...I wish I knew what to say or ways to really describe whats going on in my mind...but I can't. Over the last few months a lot has happened to me...for a lot of you all you may not know but I am no longer in school...and in reality it wasn't becaue I chose not to go its because I am stupid and actually failed out of school...I think part of me is tired of telling people that I am taking time off when in reality I failed out...I couldn't cut the college life and so here I am paying for it. I was failed out in May...I tried to convince myself that it just wasn't meant to be, that maybe UK wasn't for me. I kept convincing myself it was alright and it would be fine...but really deep down it absolutely sucks and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I can't figure out why I am where I am. In May I returned to my UK College of Medicine job and continued to work there until September which at that point I took a job at UK College of Agriculture...which I only lasted for 2 months...it was a pretty horrible job for me...I kept convincing myself it just wasn't for me...but in reality it was just me...I had the problem with the job...and I just couldn't handle it...just like so many other things...I like to run away from everything...I hate facing my problems...so after leaving that job and feeling relieved about not having a job...the following Tuesday I took on another job...and a week after taking on that job I took another job on...I am feeling like nothing is ever going to satisfy me and nothing is going to ever make me happy...now about a month and a half later I am already tired of my job...and I don't know why...I love the kids I work with and most of the people I work with but man I just can't do it...I told myself in November I needed to slow down I needed to stop and see what I was going to do...and here I am just jumping and jumping...I just don't know anymore...what does God want from me...and why should I really expect God to be there for me...when all I have done in my life is just run from Him...all I ever do is just run...if you are my friend right now...I'd watch out because I am sure I will be running from you soon too...actually as I sit here I think about how much my job at the College of Medicine meant to me and how much the people there meant to me...and how much I am trying to run from them as well...I know its stupid but its so hard to be around them when things are so different now...my friends from high school...I came to college and completely ran from you all...and I am sorry for doing so...I don't know why I do it but I do...I just like to run and run and run....I am currently confused on what it is I am suppose to do...I think I have a lot of potential but I just can't settle for anything...is it because I get bored easily and can't continue down the path I am going....is it because I am scared that I will fail so I end up failing anyways...what could it be and how can I get myself over this...