Just some more thoughts...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about God...It's been about a year since I last went to church maybe not that long. I am kind of weird I think...a lot of people go to church when the getting is bad and not so much when the getting is good...except for the ones like you that goes during both...but for me I am going when the getting is good and not when the getting is bad. When things get bad for me I seem to run. When things get hard for me or I get a little scared over what they are talking about I run. This isn't' just with God its just how I am...when things get to "close for comfort" I tend to run away...I am not sure why I do it but I do and I talk about changing it but I don't. I guess the big part of running is not wanting to see myself and not wanting to disappoint. Have you ever just felt so unworthy of something that has been given to you? Sometime I think about how unworthy I am to have certain people in my life...because it's hard to believe someone like me could have some of those people. I know it probably sounds stupid but I feel like I can't do anything for anyone. So in that sense I feel like I am unworthy...but one thing that I have always felt so unworthy of was God. I know that it says that everyone is worthy...or I think it does...its just that I don't feel like I am at all. I don't think I am a horrible person but I just don't' feel like I deserve Him in my life at all. I don't know why that feeling is there but it is. It's like a haunting feeling or something. I thought a few years ago that that feeling had gone away I was doing good I was going to church and learning about God and felt that I was making good progress to find out that I really wasn't that I was still really running. My roommate has decided that she was going to search for a church in Lexington, she wanted to find one she wanted to join and she asked me if I would like to join her. And part of me really wants to join her and find that church that I belong to up here but part of me doesn't...part of me feels like I am never going to find that place. I feel like I continue to struggle with this which I think is very normal...but I feel like I am never going to get to that place. I try to read my bible and I try my very best to understand it but I just don't seem to get it. I just don't understand what it is saying to me. I guess I haven't really figured out how people have such strong relationships with God. I think I have been thinking about it a lot lately because I am constantly hearing in introductions about ourselves God being mentioned. I almost feel like I am the only person that is struggling which I know it's not true but its just one of those feelings I have. I just wonder if I will ever find my place...is being a good person good enough....will I find my place....does ever person end up finding their place...I don't know I guess I am just questioning a lot of things. I look around and I see people that go to church every Sunday but I know that Saturday there out doing things that they shouldn't be doing but they are able to sit in church...like to me that is weird...I mean I know I have no right to judge others and I am not trying to judge even though I know I am...but it just doesn't seem right to me...because I am a kid that doesn't do crazy things on Saturday or do thing that I will regret in the morning or whatever else and I feel bad going into to church sometimes. I don't know what I am trying to say...thanks for listening...