A Year Later...

So today has been a very busy day and its exactly how I wanted it to be honestly. It was actually a very interesting day for me...I got up early and went to work and did tons of things and felt pretty productive. I unfortunately got very frustrated have way through the day and took it out on someone that I shouldn't have done that at all, but that's probably another story really. Even though today was very busy it was kind of a hard day for me. Actually the last several days have been pretty hard for me. Honestly I am feeling pretty much like a failure lately. I am struggling with being at the same place that I am a year ago. Today a year ago I had a meeting with my boss about a potential job for me, unfortunately I was told at lunch that there wouldn't be a job for me. I was somewhat shocked by it all and took it really hard. I know its probably weird to remember something like that, but I do. It maybe was one of my worse days yet one of my best. Today throughout the day I had moments of feeling the way I felt a year ago. I can remember everything about that day just about. I remember being so nervous about the lunch, it being a late lunch, going to get gas, going to Ramsey's, being the only ones sitting outside, knowing exactly what we each ate, pretty much every word of that lunch from chit chatting, to serious job talk, to awkward talk to salvage the personal relationship we had. The drive back to the office being one of the worse, going to my office and immediately feeling like someone had just stabbed me in the heart. I remember asking for a friend to join me in leaving work early, to them telling me they couldn't, to being so mad and upset that they couldn't leave or see how much I needed them or how much I was hurting. I remember crying the whole drive home, closing my phone, going straight into my bed and crying myself to sleep. It was such an emotional crazy day. It was one of the worse feelings I have ever had. So today I have thought about it several times and wishing I would have made some more progress instead of feeling like I am in the same place and not sure every getting anywhere or being more than I am. I mean who am I and what I am? Will I ever be more than what I am now? Anyways...that explains one of my worse day part... The best part well comes from that night...which was hard and possibly not going to happen, but I guess there was a bigger plan out there for me. I remember in my mind thinking I am not doing anything, going anywhere, or seeing anyone...but for some reason my mind changed. Probably because of someone, but also probably because I even struggle to say no even when I am mad. Anyways I ended up going to an event and meeting Demarcus Cousins which was really cool. I was also on the news that night. I then went to Jimmy Johns because the party to meet Cousins had some weird food. I remember sitting at a table by the grill here and having very awkward silence trying to eat my sandwich. I remember my friend being upset and crying and trying to talk to me and myself crying. I also remember just getting up and walking away because I had just no idea what to say or do. I remember going and washing my face and just needing a moment. When I finally felt like I had gathered myself to turn around and see my friend standing there at the door with my food and hers. There are a lot of details that I can remember from that night and a lot of things that are a little blurry, but what I remember the most is that it was the first time I had let my guard down really, it was the moment this friendship changed for the better...so basically the best part of the day a year ago is the change in this friendship of mine. So today I am feeling upset for still being where I am in my job but feeling very thankful for the change in my friendship. Trying to stay positive...I hope a year from today i have moved on to something "better" and that my friendship continues to grow.