Random

Yesterday was a pretty rough day, still feeling a little heartbroken from Friday it made it really hard to go to work yesterday. This weekend I tried really hard to fight the emotions but they did get the best of me most days.

After feeling completely heartbroken Friday I just dove right in to life and work instead of probably taken the time to stop and think/talk/work out my feelings...which I never really ever do. Even though it was obvious that I needed to probably talk it out I just couldn't and I couldn't process what had been going on or how I felt or even right now how I even feel. I spent a lot of time this weekend somewhat dealing with the emotions, mainly crying it out in the most random times and places. I know that when I am hurting I don't handle it the best way possible...perhaps its because I've never really felt like I had someone that I could really turn to in all things or that I have always felt like I have to keep it together. I am not sure which one it is and it could be both for all I really know. I do have people in my life now that I can really turn to and that is a big relief for me and it won't always be easy for me and I may not always turn to them, but knowing they are there is a huge thing for me. So basically I was telling you all that because my emotions were still very confused and still "active" yesterday and I became more emotional as the day went on.

I had a very good lunch yesterday but a very real lunch with lots of things said to me that I needed to hear but were hard to hear as well. I am glad I had the conversation but it made me very emotional. It was hard to hear that after almost 6 years my time at my job will soon come to an end, in a since that I won't be having a position here for me which I once thought was going to happen. As much as I hurt right now I know that there is something better for me and that this is a just a bump in the road of whatever it is I am suppose to do with my life. I wish that I could start my career in a place that I love with all my heart and believe in, but its not in the cards for whatever reason. This is still a very new feeling to me but I know that something will come along for me and that it will be the perfect fit for me. I think it's just that I am hurting more than I thought I would and scared since I have no clue what is out there for me and scared to think that I will be leaving a place that is so familiar with some great people that have helped me become the person I am today. I've grown a lot in the last close to six years of my life and I wouldn't change any of it for the world, this isn't quiet the outcome I wanted but again I never would have thought I would still be here anyways. I am a stronger person because of all that I have gone through, I got my degree because of the people here that pushed me and believed in me and this person I never knew I was or could be.

I took sometime off for myself yesterday because being overwhelmed with emotions I knew that I just needed a break from life. I figured sitting at work crying probably wasn't the best thing for me or my coworkers really. I was pretty upset and a little mad that the one person I really wanted to talk to and be around couldn't be there for me though. I think I was feeling very emotional about what had happened and then got really upset when I couldn't have what I wanted again. But in reality it wasn't realistic for me to expect them to drop what they were doing for me, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I was feeling annoyed that I feel I don't typically ask for much but it was seeming like when I did it wasn't something that could be done. But now that I am looking back about how thing went last night I feel like maybe it was better that it didn't happen even thought I felt most of the night that we had taken a step back and I wasn't sure how I would ever get over them not being there for me. But after a very honest conversation last night I know that there was no intentions to hurt me now or ever, its just how things work out sometimes.

After an awkward evening and maybe some tension and some weird looks we had a probably much needed real conversation. I wasn't really sure that I wanted to have the conversation at first, but after a while I was feeling better about it and had some time to process out my emotions. I wasn't sure if it was fair for me to be having a bad day and looking over and the person across from me was crying and telling me how they felt but emotions can get the best of people. As much as I was hurting, it was harder to see my friend cry for me. I know they truly care about me and that they were concern and why they were having this honest conversation with me, but it was hard. I think its hard being the other person and not being able to do anything but see them hurting. I am very thankful they reached out to me and told me how they felt and I wish I could do something to make them feel better, but I think they know that I will be okay and that right now I am hurting, but will make it through all of this and be a stronger person. The conversation was really hard and I spent most of it processing out my feelings in my head and listening to what was being said rather than responding. I hope they know that the conversation meant a lot and that even though I was mad earlier in the day I know it wasn't what they ultimately wanted either. We did end up "crying" and talking it out which was good for both of us, and maybe the first real real conversation we have actually had. Just being able to chat and just being able to joke and just making me feel better about where I am and where our friendship is going and growing. Just letting me lay around, talk, and joking with me and just dealing with my crazy emotions made me feel so much better. I think it was real and what I needed. I know that this person cares about me a lot and at times its scary but maybe its what I have been missing all along.

I also had a great conversation in the parking lot before the evening stuff happened, that made me able to process a little more about what had happened and made me feel a little less emotion about it all. Of course made me laugh and realize that things could be worse. I am very thankful for these two people in my life that push me to be a better person and are there for me when I need them.

Even though the conversations I have had the last few days have been hard its been good for me.

Would liek to end with this...even in your weakest days you get a little stronger...